The Science of God

“This is not a viable pregnancy.  There is no heartbeat.”

That’s what we were told on June 19, 2017, just a few weeks after we had found out we were pregnant from our 4th round of IVF just for this child.

To say we were in shock was an understatement.  We had a huge scare a week earlier and were terrified of losing the baby, but learned from our local doctor that everything was fine and on track.

After talking with our fertility specialist who had delivered this awful news to us, we decided it would be reasonable to do another ultrasound to be sure…but the doctor’s message was clear:  It was over.  The next few minutes were spent talking about causes and treatment plans for miscarriages.

Science explained exactly what happened and why and Science didn’t give this baby a chance.

The next 3 days were a blur of prayers, shock, prayers, tears and more prayers.  So, you can only imagine our tears of joy when our local doctor did another ultrasound that Thursday and said, “Well look at that.  It’s our little miracle right there.”  And there was our baby’s beating heart at 7 weeks.  Beating normally.  Beating beautifully.  Beating perfectly.  When Science didn’t give our baby a chance, God did.  And this time when Science didn’t have the answers to explain this, God did.

Because the Science of God is unexplainable.

Our OB was very optimistic, but wanted to keep a close eye on Mommy and baby, so we scheduled our next ultrasound 4 days later.  On Monday.  I remember the next few days flying by quickly.  We were finally excited again.  We were planning again.  Life was not on hold anymore.

Monday morning came without a care in the world and left with the a heavy weight on our shoulders.  Just 4 days after our miracle, there was no life left in our baby.  7 weeks and 4 days later our baby had died.  I remember feeling such shock and grief that I didn’t even have words or know what to even ask.  I remember the private moments our precious OB shared with us, the prayers that were shared, the tears that were shed together, and the questions that were left unanswered for all of us.  I remember leaving the clinic wondering how on earth we were supposed to explain this.

Why does a doctor declared miracle turn into miscarriage?

Why not miscarry at 5 weeks when we went in with our first major scare?

To say that I understand any of that, even as I write this now, would be a lie.  Because I don’t.  But I did hear God clearly speak to my heart over the next few days as we grieved heavily.  In the middle of all of our questions and misunderstandings, my husband spoke this verse quietly to me…

“My ways are higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts.” (Isaiah 55:9)

I’m not going to pretend like everything was butterflies and rainbows after that because it wasn’t.  Even now, as I write this 6 weeks later, tears flood my face.  Grief is still here.  Pain and hurt are still here.  Questions are still on my heart.  Some days are normal and I’m thankful for that.  But some days are hard…impossible even.

Going back for my post-op appointment was one of those hard days.  And the hardest part was that I had no idea it would be difficult.  But when we pulled up to the clinic, panic gripped my throat.  Because the last time we were here, I was pregnant.  And how is that fair?

It was at that appointment that our OB told us as best he could how science explained what happened with our baby…with what he truly believed was a healthy pregnancy.  I cried quiet tears as he told us this was a very rare case and one he had only seen a couple of times in his 29 years of practice.  We listened to the Science again.

And then I listened to God again…

“‘My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,’ says the Lord. ‘And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine.'”  (Isaiah 55:8)
The thing is, I needed to hear that Scientific explanation to help give me some closure and answer some questions.
But the truth is, the Science of God is higher than that.  It’s unexplainable.  It’s incomprehensible.  And even though I cannot see the end of this story yet, He can.  He knows it.  Science can’t see the outcome.  Science doesn’t know if we will have another child.  But God knows.  He wrote the story from the beginning.  And it’s far beyond anything we could ever imagine!

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